mad world

the silence of the lambs

2009-04-12T17:44:00.003+02:00

today is easter! this word has many nice meanings to me. besides the catholic one (that - shame on me - i do not really care about, even though i live in rome), to me it means 3-4 days off from work, relax, spring climate, chocolate eggs, an occasion to take some trip or to stay with my family. in the end, 4 lovely and much needed days, at the very right time of the year.

this year i was at lunch with mum/dad/granny, and i could not stop thinking and discussing the recurring easter issue i have, maybe the only unpleasant thingy about the whole story: the tradition to eat lamb! damn it! i so hate it! of course my familiy is all against it, but unfortunately it is not the same for the most of italians. the waiter at the restaurant mentioned at least 5 different courses with lamb!!

i am not a vegetarian, i eat both meat and fish, but i do not eat babies, and i do not eat any living creature which i am sure is killed in a cruel way (like lobster, for example - do you know they are boiled alive???).

i mean, do you have an idea of how many poor little innocent trusting lambs are killed each year for easter? because it's a tradition... it's disgusting.
do we need meat? dunno. there are many vegan people who happily and healthily without. what's sure though, is we do not need babies meat for any other reason than to delight our taste. and it's a damns shame!

i am sorry for my vent, but i think any way to share a bit what's happening here is worth.

aww... and i forgot... happy easter to you all.

home sweet home

2009-03-23T23:35:00.004+01:00

my dear friends, i have time to do NOTHING, since i started to work for... let's call it The-Company. i am here now only to wave, shouting "hey, i'm here! i'm alive!".

everything is fine, no major news, so...
...stay tuned. because from now on, i have in plan to get back in control of my so-called work-life balance. damn it!

king regards :P

so close but we never meet

2008-12-25T22:37:00.004+01:00

i am fed up by all the christmas traditional food i was having these days.
but this is not the point of my post. what i wanna talk about is relatives.

i am sure this is something that happens to many people... when it's christmas, you spend time with persons you meet once a year only, only in such an occasion. in my case, those persons happen to be very close relatives, my mum's and dad's brothers and sisters for example, my cousins, and so so on. and i must thank christmas, because if it was not for it, i would never meet them, even though i love them and even though we live in the same city.

it's weird, isn't it? how busy and lazy we often are... our days and agendas always so filled that we never find time to be with the closest member of our families if not for some recurrence.

the mama's girl

2008-12-21T23:23:00.003+01:00

since i moved out and i am on my own, i feel a renewed pleasure in meeting my parents, spending the afternoon shopping with my mum, having her on visit for a cup of coffee.
with mum an dad is more quality time than forced time now.

i wonder: am i a mama's girl? or is it only i am italian?

lately

2008-12-19T23:49:00.003+01:00

long time i do not write. but from today, i hope, i'll be back in touch.
what absorbed so many energies from me during the last 2 months has been mainly my new job. and everything that is in any way related to it, for example the fact i spend at least 2 hrs commuting every day (that is, believe me, e-x-h-a-u-s-t-i-n-g).
so... what's new.
working in the finance function of an american huge multinational company. it's amazing! i like it, i have fun, i spend long tiring and quite often stressful days in there, but, in the end, there's nothing i can do, i really like it.
my life in my little cozy 8th floor apartment. adorable. it sometimes looks like being in a love nest. and i feel it "more mine" than the apartment i have been living in last year. aww, and i forgot! there's a new flatmate since a month ago: a red princess, purring all the time, called camilla. i felt too bad for my other kitty, the black one, who was alone all day long, so i decided there had to be 2 of them. and here we are. they perfectly get along, play and cuddle all the time.
i noticed i also became very lazy lately. i am too tired to cook, too tired to go out partying, i rather stay at home and watch a good movie. it should be the combined effect of winter, hrs spent driving in the traffic every day, ad yes, maybe getting older and wiser too.
anyway, i'll be back very soon, to tell you more.

moving in, moving out

2008-09-22T11:11:00.002+02:00

dad's moving in with mum at the end of september. yeah, that's weird! after 15 years separated one from each other they decided to get back togheter. i am not going into details about why they are doing it, because it's their business afterall, and i do not feel allowed to go public about someone else's business here. what i think, though, is that hard times are gonna come. to me, their motivations do not seem strong enough to make it work for longer than few months of incompatibility. indeed the general feeling i can smell at mum's place is like "help! space invaders are coming!". not only mum gives signs about her concerns in such way, but the cat too seems nervous, and in a way i share the same weird sensation with them.
what can i say... time will tell. i am afraid, but i hope for the best.
when they separated i was few older than a child, and i remember how much suffering it brought to me. i think it affected my own perspective on love life. i grew up into a skeptical-cautios-but-family-dreamer one.

what else is new?
dad's moving in... i am moving out! new apartment by the end of october! where i am now my one-year rent ends, and i have been lucky enough to happen to have a friend who has to rent her cute last floor flat. right now. again another sign things started to go into the right direction. yessssssssss!!!!!
i'll tell you more about it next days anyway. now i am too busy having fun with ikea website and google sketchup.

who said black cats bring bad luck?

2008-09-15T14:37:00.007+02:00

i mentioned i have a new flatmate since i am back from vacations. his name is telemaco, he is four months old, all black (except for two white hairs on one of his sides), has got sweet wonderful yellow eyes (oh god! the way he sometimes look at you can make you melt right away), and loves to play and cuddle all around. for whom did not read previous posts, or if it was not obvious enough, telemaco is my new kitty!

this pic was stolen while we were browsing websites in a cozy home friday afternoon. i don't remember if i was kissing him, smelling him, or both :o)

anyway. his story is long and complicated. trying to make it short, he's been abandoned in the camping in isola del giglio where i spent the last days of my vacations (how can that be people sometimes are so cruel?), found two guardian angels in my boyfriend and in me, who were protecting him against two adults cats who used to hunt, scratch and bite him, days and nights.

i did not take him with me when i left, saying to myself that it would have been the best option if a loving family would have taken him with them. if it were destiny, if nobody would have taken him away in few weeks, i would have come back for him and rescued him. i was already missing him so much on the way back, when i got a phone call. it was from a lady at the camping. kitty had a crash, and there were no vets in the island nor anywhere near it. so, that was it. i literally run back, my heart hummering, waiting for him at the ferry so excited and nervous as i could wait for the love of my life after a long while apart from him. and i was so damn happy 'cause finally, finally, destiny was giving me a sign, like "hey, i am here, i did not left you, ok?".

i took telemaco who peacefully watched me driving all the way down to rome, we went to vet's hospital and fixed him (and he is almost fixed now, good!).

now he hangs around in my apartment, and of course it takes a bit of effort to manage everything: him, work, a couple of times per week i go to sleep at mum's to stay with and check on mosè (the other 16 yrs old cat, the other love of my life), my social life and all the rest. but my boyfriend is really helping me. he seems to love him as much as i do.

and all the effort is welcome indeed. telemaco is playful, lovely, and brought a new joy into my life. and since i have him around, i have to admit, things started to change, in a positive way. after a long black period, it's as he's bringing me luck. so who said black cats bring bad luck must be really a fool.

boss, i quit

2008-09-05T13:17:00.002+02:00

so, it seems i did it.
yesterday i got the letter of intent from the new company.
and today i quit my job!

either is my nature who always needs new stimulations or this was not the job of my life. i still have to find out, but what i am sure about is that here i was no happy and realized anymore. i will miss the people and the relationships, but they alone are obviously not enough to make my working-day. lack of enthusiasm and lazyness were my new mates, and that is so not part of my nature. i need to enjoy what i do, or i drop it. so... time for a change!

it is not easy at all if it is your first time, you know?
i took a deep breath and went to the boss office to announce my resignation. i felt calm and nervous at the same time. in the end it went all fine, no hard feelings at all (and that is actually great). i'm sure it depends on the fact i do not leave them for a competitor, but for an almost completely different job.

now i feel relieved, thrilled and happy!

p.s.: starting date, october 6th!

speedlight

2008-09-01T15:00:00.004+02:00

i am back from vacations. things keep happening so fast here that i do not even have time to write all i would like to write. so here's a quick update only. i'll go into details about every single issue as soon as possibile.

vacations - two weeks all around corsica and one week in isola del giglio. i fell in love for camping.
kitty - i took an abandoned kitty from isola del giglio camping. he is all black, must be more or less four months old, and is unbelievably sweet and trustful. i named him telemaco.
job - i was back behind my desk since few hours today when my mobile rang. the company i made all the tests and interviews for wants me! i feel as i wanna scream!
family - dad is moving in with mum again at the end of the month.

so, it seems life finally started giving me some signal. and i feel so damn good about it.
all the above is gonna happen in the next few months, and god knows what else is waiting for me behind the corner in the near future.

i just made a new deal with myself: to live and to enjoy more the 'now', the 'present', and to stop worrying so much about the 'future' or thinking so much about the 'past'. try to stop twirling, ginevra!
and all those events, occuring so fast, help me out indeed.

the vizsla puppy

2008-08-01T11:11:00.005+02:00

few time ago i was at the vet for my kitty when i saw a gorgeous dog i had never seen before: beautiful of a rare beauty, fierce and sweet at the same time... i fell in love at first sight! yesterday i finally found out (power of google search...) the dog i saw is a hungarian vizsla. i spent hours on web doing all the possible researches, and the more i was doing it the more i was falling for them. so, guess what... i kinda decided it's gonna be my dog.

when? i don't know yet, first i should settle down a bit... some of you might already know my passion for animals. if i imagine my life in the (hopefully) near future, i see myself married to a loving husband, spending our early sunday mornings in bed with a cat, a dog (the vizsla!), working on...ehm...the idea of having 2 kids. giggles.
dream on, eh?

anyway, to be more concrete, here's one of the cutest vizsla puppy i found in web.

sleepyhead coffee

2008-07-30T12:32:00.005+02:00

i am supersleepy today. getting out of the bed has been extreeeemely hard, the hardest time i remember since quite a while. i don't know if it's the same for you guys, but it's one year when the alarm clock sounds i take ages to really, fully wake up. i remember when i was attending university, a rang and i stood up, everyday. now... oh, now i let the snooze do its job for 20 mins! and this thing has been going on for so long that i sometimes wonder how big my lack of sleep must be.
and today, well... 3 coffees already, and more to come to get through the day.
and perhaps a coke too...

rear mirror memories

2008-07-29T09:52:00.003+02:00

reading an old diary from high school, i am amazed by how back then i was the mirror of who i am nowadays. sure it’s always me we are talking about, but still! ten years ago i was thinking and writing about the same fears and dreams i have today, exactly the same ones... scary...

some few examples.

"PREVIOUS LIFE SUMMARY – i have always been choosing as the motto of my life the famous carpe diem. but i never put it into practice."
"DREAM – travel to every last corner of the planet. and beyond it as well."
"NIGHTMARE – do not feel realized in my life."

if i had in front of me a blank page now, i would fill it with the same words.
it's scary, isn't it?

a romantic piss off

2008-07-28T10:59:00.006+02:00

a nice walk on the seaside followed by a dreamable barefoot dinner on the sand, and a run to the cinema to be on time for the last show. the day after, still at the beach, some relaxing time at sunset, an aperitif on a hammock, a walk in the center of my beautiful rome and a very good pizza in front of one of my favorite buildings. then on sunday something screws it all. and my hunt for happiness starts again...

pms

2008-07-25T10:49:00.003+02:00

yes i am in the middle of it! and it's soooo annoying! it's something i developed during the last 2 or 3 years... i feel like a balloon, i actually think i AM like a balloon. my breasts hurt, my mood is unbearable, i am always nervous and about to crash for every little thing. looking at myself in the mirror does not help because my face is filled of red spots. geeeeeezus! if i could, i would switch it with shaving my beard every morning.

yessssssssssssss!

2008-07-23T10:32:00.010+02:00

do you remember i was taking a problem solving test for a not better specified reason not long ago? a logical and mathematical one... i posted a poll too, because i was so pissed while preparing it i was not able to solve one the questions... well, i made it!!! yeppaaaaaaaa!!!!! again it's been crazy and pretty much in line with italian habits, since i had to chase after them for days to get the results they had lost somewhere in their servers... but who cares now! i feel so good! and i am all happy because it's actually the first time in my life i can do good in one of those evil-complicated-with-no-time-enough situations i so much hate. eheh.

you would maybe also like to know that the test included a question like the one i was surveing here, and that thanks to you i had it clear on my mind and i did it right. good!

absentminded

2008-07-22T13:45:00.006+02:00

few time ago i demagnetized my debit card. i went to the bank, asking for a new one. the procedure here in italy is they have to emit a new card, with a new pin. of course, they charge you quite some euros for that. but ok, it can happen, can't it? i would say "sure it can", but here it comes the funny part that can give you an idea of how damn stressed i am.

few days ago i received my brand new card in my mailbox. all happy i went to look for the envelope containing the pin code but, surprisingly, i could not find it. i looked everywhere: my apartment, mum's, my car, my office. nothing, it was nowhere to be found. i obviously had lost it. damn it!

so today i went to the bank, again, for another new card: new procedure, new signatures, new envelope, new payment. i felt kinda ashamed, but i had some luck and i successfully avoided the same clerk who helped me the last time. when i was out of there i said to myself "never again, ok?" and i came straight here to the office. but obviously i was not done with it, since one hour ago i had the bank on my phone: a woman with a kind voice warned me that i left there my wallet. hell! i did it again!

now i am on my way to pick it up. geeeeeeezus!

usually i am not so absentminded, it's just lately i have too many things on my mind and too much pressure on my shoulders.

oh no...

2008-07-16T15:51:00.005+02:00

yesterday night i was browsing some facebook groups with the key word "animals" (yes i am totally in love with them) when i stepped into many groups aimed to stop the so called "fur farms" in china. i did not dare to open videos or browse pics, but still it's been horrible enough. i had no idea they raise poor domestic animals to skin them alive and to then leave them die in that pain, without even using the kindness to kill them and put an end to their suffering. i am angry. damn angry. all i can say is pls, pls, pls spread it! stop buying fur clothes and accessories, tell it to your friends, your families. we can do something! it must be stopped somehow.

geee!

2008-07-11T14:51:00.002+02:00

at least it's summer

2008-07-09T22:32:00.004+02:00

another day with a 5 mins lunch at desk because i am still too busy, another day spent through meetings and never-ending conference calls. again i was out of office later than 8pm. but i have to say everything is more bearable when it’s summertime. outside is sunny and warm, and it’s nice your day is not ended yet. there is life out there! so today i went for an aperitif with a former colleague who just graduated at lbs and is back in rome for a quick vacation. some chat, some beer, a nice terrace above my beautiful city and going home feels nicer.

and i love to talk to people who lived, or live, abroad, and dream a bit about my own plans to move to nyc for a little while…

sailing, knots and "stenelle"

2008-07-07T15:43:00.008+02:00

it's almost 3pm when matteo, my boyfriend, calls me saying "check your email". i have just the time to wonder "what the hell..." while opening the link that he sent me, when i see it! my dolphins pic has been published! yeeesssss!! it is nothing special, really. it's a very old pic that i somehow took 4 years ago after a tiring night of sailing from roma to sardegna. but many of my friends liked it, and i like it too. so i decided to take part in some contest with it, and here we go. competition is on, and pic is online.

cheers!

(for more -> http://www.repubblica.it/2006/12/gallerie/ambiente/chilavvisto-1/6.html)

i've been kidnapped

2008-07-04T10:49:00.006+02:00

long time i don't write, simply because they kidnapped me and keep me here in the office, chained. last week i have been working 12 hours per day, geezes! basically i have no time to think about anything except work. i think it's all an italian habit, by the way. from what i heard from other countries, no one is used to such a crazyness. amazing what people can do for money.

you know what? enjoy the weekend! ;o)

getting older, some more considerations

2008-06-24T12:00:00.003+02:00

picture it. you are in some restaurant in a long table with many of your friends. somewhere in the room there's another long table of friends, but they are all 10 years younger than you. let's say they are all high school students, maybe in their last year, classmates. does your mind ever go back to when you were their same age and you used to look "with some distance" at tables of people in their 30s, trying to imagine how life could be when you would turn so "old"? do you ever think "i wonder if they are thinking the same about us now..."?

getting older

2008-06-21T23:01:00.008+02:00

i am dead tired! it's saturday night and i am at home, snuggled on an armchair, surfing www while the tv plays the soccer match netherlands-russia. i cheer on netherlands (i like dutch people, i had my 6 months erasmus in amsterdam) but no way, it seems russia is supposed to be the winner tonight. my boyfriend fell asleep on the sofa while watching the game. actually it's the two of us being dead tired tonight. we've been on a wedding in orvieto, a lovely medieval town not so far from rome. early wake-up, hot summer temperature and too much food tired us out. we were supposed to go to a friend pool birthday party tonight, but sometimes it's needed to stay all cosy at home with a slice of pizza, a coke and a rented movie. i noticed me and my friends are getting older about that. more and more often at parties it may happen people end up sleepy and lazy, sitting all around, to then rush to the door as soon as the first occasion comes. including me. it's sad to admit it, but i think energies are not the same ones of when we were "younger".

i'll show you who i am

2008-06-18T21:11:00.008+02:00

the update is i managed somehow to escape to go to the oculist. when i was done with it, surprisingly, even if i was more than 30 minutes late compared to my previsions, boss was not upset. unbelievable! yesssss!! he caught me with a taxi with another colleague and we all went to one of those neverending meetings at customers' office. besides the fact i was out of it later than 8pm, it has been satisfactory. how? well, when a meeting goes in a way that people in the end show me their appreciation, i feel pleased and all proud of myself. i am used to stay quiet the biggest part of it, carefully listening to every single word (those unsaid too), with others looking at me like "i wonder what is she doing here, she must be so young and unexperienced". but when i speak, i do it to say few things, that usually turn out to be smart and appropriate (time for self-praise) and help to make something clearer or, even better, to solve it. so when it happens i am there thinking "cooool!". i realized i have some sense of humour too, and i can exploit it to make people have a laugh. again, "cooool!". i think i like that even more.

anyway, who knows me knows also that i go around saying i wanna change job. true. but i have to admit i like it, despite all its shortcomings. and i'm gonna miss such gratifiyng feelings it can give.

damn it

2008-06-18T13:05:00.004+02:00

i knew it! i scheduled an appointment at 3pm with the oculist, and hell! boss needs me from 2.30pm to 4pm. geezez! he's gonna say again i am NEVER at office. the funny thing is i need oculist because i spend too much time watching this screen and guess what, i do it for work. bittersweet.

roaaaarrrrrrr-ing

2008-06-17T10:30:00.004+02:00

my car has a little annoying but in a way funny problem.

so, first of all, let's talk about 'her'. 'she' is a ford ka immatriculated in 2000 that i am proud of. color is aquamarine, stock-pot is huge and steely (ahaha, no comment, i know... but c'mon there was no other way to get the car in less then 3 months!), general conditions are pretty good (i am a person who takes care of things, who does not mistreat them). but mostly, she's been a faithful companion of my last 8 years (geez, so many... i'm getting old) adventures.

now let's go back to 'her' problem. as every animated thing, 'she' is moody: the problem arises during the summer, when the temperature goes up. i have a meteoropathic car. the fact is engine rpm stay high even if i am not accelerating, but as i was. so the funny thing is i stop at traffic lights, or at crossings, i stay there, and my car is roaaaarrrrrrr-ing. lol. people look at me astonished. or while i park it: the whole time it takes, 'she' is there roaaaarrrrrrr-ing again. i really seem one of those dangerous persons who are unable to park without scratching every near vehicle. ahah. i can see pedestrians passing by thinking "ah, women!". too funny. i must seem even more idiot 'cause so big is the embarrassment i laugh all the time.

anyway, do you really think women should not drive?

1,5 minutes? let's take a test

2008-06-12T13:21:00.004+02:00

for a not better specified reason i am exercising on some problem solving tests. one of the questions pissed me off: there has been no way i could solve it. i know, it's embarassing, eheh.

now the evil multiple choice thingy is posted as a poll here on the right of the page. i wanna see how good you make!

so... do you have 1 minute and 30 seconds free? do you? great! 'cause that is how long you should take to solve it (calculator is allowed).

i will post the solution as soon as the poll expires.

thanks god somebody invented "4 salti in padella"

2008-06-11T22:10:00.006+02:00

out of customers' office later than 9pm, took a taxi to go back to my office and my own car, was stuck in a huge traffic jam (remember our dear bush is here so the whole center is armored and traffic is crazy at night too), had to give up on a dinner out with a friend (sorry kim), was saved by "4 salti in padella" frozen potatoes -- the only edible thingy left in my fridge :o))

welcome

2008-06-11T14:32:00.006+02:00

oh well. i live and work behind the place where bush is gonna stay for three days from now on. it means: they obscured my mobile, i just spent more than half an hour in a car to drive for 300 meters, soon i will have to leave the office an hour earlier to reach a customer's office that is 15 minutes far, when i come back tonight i will not be able to park my car closer than 1km to my place, and who knows what else is gonna surprise me.

welcome security.
but who welcomes him?

once upon a time

2008-06-09T11:47:00.012+02:00

title

the longest week-end of my life. in 3 chapters.

chapter 1 - friday night

you already know from my previous post. i feel ok, i go out with a friend, valentina. i got drunk with no dinner and two mojitos.

chapter 2 - saturday, the bachelorette party

morning starts with a huge headache hangover-related and a lot of thinking.

afternoon follows with a shopping session for the bachelorette party that is going on at night. i go with giulia, a friend, to buy all kind of silly, funny or sexually explicit thingies for our soon getting married friend. condoms, furry cuffs, edible or oh-my-god-i-could-never-wear-it-lol-! underwear, a yellow banana-shaped vibe, "that"-shaped balloons, and god remembers what else. so much fun. when the cashier puts batteries into the banana thingy and switches it on to show us it was indeed working we were like "yeah yeah, it's ok it's ok, we don't even wanna know", laughing and watching the floor all embarassed. i wonder if our friend will really use all that stuff one day (i think so, giggles).

then we go for some shopping in the center, to see if we find a dress for the wedding, but we don't have such luck. in the meanwhile here and there we are talking about my situation. giulia says what opens a world to me and that i decide to elect as my new credo from that moment on:

--"gine you should really stop thinking so much. if you think and think and think you will never come up with nothing. you should listen to yourself. and one day you will just feel it"--

ok. it's worth at least a try. i spent the last year thinking and it brought that i am still doing it, second-guessing all the time.

then i only have time to go back home, change myself, and the girls night out soon starts. i am doing ok. i stopped thinking, right? so time for fun. we are naughty the whole night. tons of jokes, laughs, good sushi, better wine, and a cute-looking stripper too. i am the drunkest one, lol. around 1am we are out of the fancy restaurant and we start our club-crawling. so much fun again. everywhere for us doors are opened and entrance is free. we keep putting chiara (the bride) in the center of attention, asking deejays to make fun of her. she is really enjoying it.

we close the night with a needed breakfast.

i go home exhausted, feeling ok.

chapter 3 - sunday, the awareness

again a terrible hangover. i go out to buy some stuff i need for my apartment. on my way back, while i am driving, it comes. the sudden awareness. it's like a punch in my stomach that makes me cry. the weird thing is that it came so soon, while i was expecting something maybe for some further moment. maybe i only needed to stop my brain, lay back and relax to feel it. maybe it's always been inside me during the last year. maybe i needed all that happened during the last year to be really ready for it. maybe, maybe, maybe...who cares about 'maybe' now?!?!? all that matters is that i finally feel! i don't have to think to understand what i want, i just feel it, and so strong. so good.

what comes after is quite obvious. welcome tears of needed relief. the longest and deepest hug with my boyfriend.

credits

public thanks to everybody who, directly or indirectly, has been supporting me during my last intense year. even few lines, just a look, or a 5 minutes talk have been part of my personal development. special thanks to valentina who has been there just. special thanks to giulia who opened a world up to me. special thanks to vid who has been my guardian angel.

public excuses to gabriele, my best friend, who today asked me "hell, do i have to get to know it from a blog?". hell he is right. sorry gab.

the break

2008-06-06T21:51:00.012+02:00

the funny thing of being on a break with my (i do not even know how to call him now, ex-?) boyfriend is that we calmly and reasonably talked as two adults who care about each other, while it's been impossible to do the same with mum.

the funny thing is that i felt fine about what we decided with him, since we both were aware of how much needed it was, while few minutes later mum's mad reaction made me cry all my tears.

she went fully upset, shouted at me, covered me with insults.

now i am worried.

i am worried because i feel lonely, i miss somebody very close i can rely on in such an important moment of my life. for a normal girl that person could be her mum, but you know, you can't ask life for everything, can you?

i am worried about my kitty. he has a disease which needs constant attention and i am the only one who can deal with it, but hell he lives at mum's, and i don't want to go to sleep there as i have been doing for the past months to take care of him.

i am worried about me. i am afraid my awful feelings arising from such an awful non-relationship with mum will interfere with the first aim of my break: understading myself. i am afraid i will never admit to myself i need to run back into my (ex-?) boyfriend arms, being too focused on going against mum's willingness, whatever it takes.

all i can say is it was needed. to be a better person in a better relationship tomorrow. sometimes life put us in front of difficult choices, and all we can do is to be strong enough to face them.

be strong. hold up.

people on a train

2008-06-02T18:10:00.001+02:00

i'm back from the perfect weekend.

i'm travelling from napoli to rome after 3 days spent in ischia.

i am comfortably sitting on a luckily not too smelly high speed train.

my boyfriend very kindly left me his seat. he bought only one return ticket, and the result is now he travels without a reservation on a train that is gonna be --very likely, it's monday june 2nd, national holiday, long weekend-- PACKED.

in front of me sits an old woman with her....i don't know, son? nephew? another relative? they look intimate. he is sitting next to her, holding some papers and a book where i can read "Ministero dell'Università e della Ricerca - Descrizione della Struttura e dei Compiti dell'Unità e della Ricerca". having sometimes a look at his papers, he is explaining her with a sweet voice about research on human patients and so on. maybe the woman is sick and is about to start an innovative, experimental therapy. who knows. i wish her all the best. sickness is something that i fear.

the woman next to me looks funny. she has big blue eyes and a warm smile. she is travelling alone, carrying a bag bigger that her -- something that makes me feel sympathy. she is listening to her ipod and reading a book. how can she do that? sometimes i can't concentrate on what i am reading if i have music in my ears. aww! her mobile just rang, loudly. i put mine on silence mode, i don't like to annoy people around me.

the block of seats next to mine hosts a gorgeous blond baby. he must be around 1 year old (or maybe a bit more, i am not good at guessing babies age). he is calmly sitting on his loving dad lap and is all focused on a toy he is playing with. sometimes he makes an amazing smile that brightens the whole coach up, and i catch myself too smiling when i see it.

he is so sweet, just. one day he is gonna be a heartbreaker, how unbelievable, eh?

the coach is loud, with a group of people from bologna spread in different seats. they all know each other somehow, and from the conversations they have, the way they are dressed and the way they seem intimate even if strangers i am guessing they have been on a vacation all togheter. i like to think thay have been sailing. one of them is louder than the others. he is very funny, what he says makes me laugh (it is not that i am here listening to them, it's just they are so loud and contagious that basically everybody here is forced to hear and participate in their discussions). he is not really my type, but i find him attractive in a way. i wonder if i could ever be able to stay with such a strong personality partner, always in the center of attention. his girlfriend looks amused but resigned at the same time.

--10 mins pause. this baby is fantastic, i wanna sit back and just watch him for a bit--

the baby's dad is making a great octopoid job in holding his son, looking for stuff into his bag, talking on the phone, all at the same time.

when i see those scenes i think how difficult it must be being a parent. parents always carry tons of huge bags full of any kind of thingies their kids can need. and they can NEVER really look anywhere else.

but i'm sure it must be the most amazing experience in the world.

--15 mins pause. i'll go and grab a yoghurt, i'm feeling kinda hungry--

my train is taking me back to reality. work, city, traffic, my 24hrs thoughts. considering what i have been through during the last period, i wish everything could stay still "suspended" as it's been during the last 3 days. for a little bit more, at least. i liked it.

the little things that make you happy

2008-05-30T10:52:00.006+02:00

today started with a smile on my face. it's of those days when it seems things decided to turn the right way.

my dad called me all excited at 8 a.m. to tell me alemanno, the rome mayor, decided to cancel those so hated 'blue parking stripes' that invaded all rome during the last few years and that means you have to pay if you want to leave your car parked there. basically almost all districts in rome are now 'striped' (myplace-myoffice-mygym, for example), with no possibility to park freely elsewhere, and god knows how many tickets i received because i did not want to pay. geez! finally!! to me it is a hidden tax. and i am sure most of the romans share my same opinon. who knows roman public transports also knows it's impossible to take them for longer distances, because it would mean to spend your day waiting for ages at bus stops and hanging yourself for longer ages in crowded, smelly and always late buses. so yeah folks, car is not an option here.

then i spent the first...ehm, yeah, hour at office...chatting (i know, so bad :o)) with armando, one of my best friends' (cristina) husband, and it made my day too. he is so funny, so adorable, and i am so so happy for her. they live in mexico, so we were discussing my next trip there (not planned yet, but i can't wait to visit them), their next visit here, the fact they miss us, and so on. but mostly it's been so pleasant to listen to him talking about their everyday life and to get to know it from his point of view too. i already know some from cristina's stories, but you know it's always nice to slowly build the whole picture, especially if it confirms your dear friend is being very, very happy!

well, i better go back to my work. i've already fooled around too much for today :o)

my furbaby

2008-05-29T12:18:00.007+02:00

my blog has been quite introspective during the last days, so now i would like to move to a lighter and brighter topic such as... introducing you to the love of my life! my adorable kitten, mosé. for those of you guys who don't know yet, it's 16 years -- yes a very long time -- i live with him. well, now that i actually moved to my own apartment he is still at mum's, because i knew it would be a terrible shock for him to leave his familiar (and larger, and with a sunny terrace full of plants that he adores) environment for my small new place. and yes, he is the reason why i go to mum's almost every other day, to fall asleep cuddled to him and to wake up with his purrrrrrrr (jezuz, i love it!) next to my face. he is my little rocky one. he knows when i'm sick or sad and purrs even louder then, without leaving me for a second. i make the best laughs when we play togheter 'hide and seek and try to catch' (the feline variant of the human better know 'hide and seek' -- i'm sure every cat owner knows what i am talking about, ahah). somebody can sympathetically smile at the love some of us can feel towards those little furbabies. what can i say? nothing, really. it's something you need to experience to understand it. purrrrrrrs.

god gives nuts to those with no teeth

2008-05-27T10:33:00.005+02:00

why are we so imperfect creatures. when we have something, it may happen we don't want it. when we lose it, it suddenly gains in value. where is the truth, then? that something you lost, do you need it or not?

imprinting

2008-05-25T22:13:00.003+02:00

wikipedia defines "imprinting" as the "term used in psychology and ethology to describe any kind of phase-sensitive learning (learning occurring at a particular age or a particular life stage) that is rapid and apparently independent of the consequences of behaviour".

here my question: is it possible to get rid of it? if you get any kind of imprinting, no matter when or from whom, will you be able to force yourself to think and act as it never was?

i received a strong imprinting from my parents' relationship failure. on one hand i desire with all my strenght to have soon my own family, and to make it work. i would say it's the aim of my life. on the other hand i am damn scared of any possible bad consequence an unwise choice i make could have. to say it more easily, i am scared to make a choice if i am not 100% sure it is the right one. the more it has to do with important thingies, the less risky i want it to be.

i received an imprinting during the last years of my own relationship, too. things have been running in a certain way for ages. now i can't get rid of them. i can't make peace with the past.

any clue? 'cause i'm clueless. pls.

mum

2008-05-23T09:35:00.006+02:00

yesterday night mum called me to have a pizza togheter. nice, i said. let's go. and it's been actually nice, besides the fact that we went into a long-neverending-nowhere-headed discussion about the way i handle my relationships (of course she thinks i am bad at it. no, better: she thinks i am a crazy unsatisfiable one, lol). she is afraid she is gonna "watch me getting older and being alone". WTF!!! i am 26 years old, geez! anyway. i don't wanna go through everything we have been arguing about. in the end we stopped it somehow and i was able to go home and relax a bit. finally! again that familiar door -clack- sound and that familiar silence. will she ever stop being so old-fashioned and start acting as a simpathetic mum? or maybe all mums are the same? all i know is i don't wanna be like that, when my turn will come. or maybe mum is right, my turn will never come if i go on that way :o) giggles.

fake it

2008-05-21T14:41:00.003+02:00

few days ago i was chatting with a friend who meanwhile was reading on a web page about some scientists who studied women orgasm and its connection with women smartness. it seems that the smarter the women are the more difficulties they have in...well, you got in what.

besides any consideration regarding the trueness of such results, i only wanna say mine here, loud and clear.

guys, women can fake it. and they actually do it.

some of them maybe did it with you, too. in my personal experience, i can say it happens either when she does not feel comfortable enough to let him understand what she likes (and the poor guy is not already aware of it), or when he is just too bad and stubborn to be worth asking.

that's it, just. you have to live with that.

forgive my vent

2008-05-20T17:36:00.005+02:00

You can't schedule every f***ing delivery of a project on mondays, by default, so that you feel better, safer, having the entire week-end to work, just in case (guess, the "just in case" part always happens, ALWAYS). what if the week-end is a long one (let's say 'cause monday is national holiday)? even better! cool! you can buy more days! you can give your word to customers the job is gonna be done for tuesday! that is just so f***ing unfair.

a dancer or a fighter?

2008-05-19T21:44:00.005+02:00

for whom who do not know yet, since a few months ago i go to gym boxing. yes, boxing. that one with boxing gloves, bag, ring and so on, you know. now i'm just back from my training, usually consisting of various aerobic and abdominal exercises followed by a one-to-one session with the trainer. EXHAUSTING. i don't feel ready to have a real fight on the ring, though. my technique is still too poor and my training is not enough either. or maybe it's just me not being "male" enough (in my brain, i mean). i have been told i should be a dancer, not a fighter. well, it can be true. the fact is that i feel both. at the moment when i signed up for gym i needed something to let my aggressivity find a "vent valve" (in italian a "valvola di sfogo", just in case english language doesn't have the same expression). well, it is working perfectly: after a busy and stressful day you enter there, and when you are done you are a new person. somebody could think it's a place for men. yes, indeed it is. men are the most. but there are many women as well. if you ask them why they do it, the answer is always the same. it's extremely good to let it all out, it's real sport, workout, sweating, bla bla bla. mostly, it is not showing the last pair of shoes off.

one day i'll dance too, i'm quite sure. i wanna learn hip-hop and tango.

blackberry

2008-05-16T12:15:00.008+02:00

i have a meeting in the afternoon. a work one. one of those useless ones when workers gather all around a table, wearing suit and shirt and tie, and spend most of the time reading and replying useless emails on blackberry instead of listening to what is going on so that they can say some smart sentence when asked. what is it? showing off, i think. business suit is needed to be more self confident. when arguments you present can be easily weakened by the colleague sitting next to you, who's trying hard to be just "more" than you in the daily fight for career, you need something that protects you. blackberry is part of the fake fair, too. it's a status symbol. so sad people seem to be not aware of how ridiculous and boor they can look when they use it in such a sick way. so sad to see how easily we forgot about good manners. i hate those meetings. i will lose an afternoon talking about nothing.

half empty bed

2008-05-12T23:36:00.012+02:00

the bed next to me is empty. it's almost always empty at weekdays. i am experiencing that nice sensation of being at home alone. and no, i am not single. i never thought i could like it. what? after a tuff day at work, an even harder workout at gym, during a busy and stressing period, hearing the sound of the door -CLACK- that closes behind me. i can now let all the bags fall on the floor and... yes! finally silence, nobody around, me only. relax. peace. the food i like, the way i like, myself only. baggy trousers, butt on the sofa and feet on the table. ahah, sounds like the new horror movie, not because of some maniac standing behind the window, but because of how ugly such an image of me could be pictured. anyway, i sware i don't look like a monster, even if not wearing make up and high heels. sometimes i think that a living creature waiting for me when i come back would be a lot nice. i have flowers and plants, but of course it is not the same. some other times i think that living in a bigger apartment and sharing it with some friends would be better (it usually happens when you really don't want to dine alone but no, that night you can't find anybody willing to go out and eat something). at first, when i moved in here, it took more or less a month to get used to my new "condition". you know, moving out of parents' place it's kind of a revolution for your habits, no matter how independent you have always been. coming back home and feeling alone -when good- or lonely -when bad- it's a new feeling that needs to be accepted. being the first to wake up in the morning when the evil alarm clock "sounds", while you are used to live in an apartment where at 7am there is already some life going on (and, most important, light all around) takes a lot of training. but in the end, all proud of myself, i can say i made it, and i like it. silence doesn't scare me anymore; it thrills me, instead. i am totally in love with all of this, and if i could go back i would do it again. and again. the hardest part has been convincing mum that i was not doing it to go against her. it took some effort, everything took some effort, but now that i have it, it's so good to realize it brought only good in my life. well, time to go to sleep now. you guys hush, pls. i need some quiet so i can sleep. in my half empty big bed.

first time

2008-05-09T14:14:00.011+02:00

ok, i made it: i made the blog. why? eheh, it's a lot difficult to answer. and there is no univocal answer. it's a way to keep a diary. it's a way to let far away friends know what is going on here, and (mostly, i think) to please their voyeuristic attitude. it could also turn into a business opportunity (maybe what i hope more for? dunno, but of course it would be nice, i can't deny it). yes, you know, the idea of keeping a blog came to mind one year ago when i was reading on a magazine about some women who became popular and rich after their blogs have been discovered by some editors and transformed into best seller books. but i was too busy, or maybe not so convinced, i just put that idea somewhere in a corner of my mind. and now...well, i don't know what changed, but here we are, i start this adventure being a lot curious about where it will be headed. some friends i was talking about it warned it can be "very dangerous". let's take the risk.